WARNING: I’m in a weird mood, so this could get personal and long-winded…
Before surgery, at 200 lbs, I would look in the mirror expecting to see a familiar image, and I was always surprised when my reflection was so vastly different from what I expected to see. I always had a different idea of what I looked like, and no matter how many times I would look in the mirror, I never could get to the point of accepting that that was really my reflection; that that was really what I had come to look like. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t what I felt should be my reflection. It was someone else that had let their weight get so far out of control. Someone else that took pains to have perfect makeup everyday because it made them feel like they were still the cute spunky 120lb girl that she was in high school. It was a terrible, sobering feeling every day. For me, it wasn’t just vanity. It was about self worth and self accomplishment. I had let events in my life take over my entire being, and I started eating for a number of reasons. Comfort, shame, disappointment, insecurity, depression, and anxiety. The worse I felt, the more I ate. I numbed myself out with comfort food. It was my escape from a bad day, and around the time I started gaining, that was pretty much every day. It was a destructive cycle. The more I ate, the worse I felt, the worse I felt, the more I ate. It wasn’t a big deal when it was going from 120 to 130. We even joked about it then, about how much more comfy it was to sleep when you had some cushion. We had no idea that I would keep on this destructive path 5 pounds at a time, until my weight went from 120, all the way up to 226 at my highest. Now, to be fair, 226 was when I was at my most pregnant, but even after he was born, I went to 218, and stayed there for months. At 218 I had the very worse self esteem one can imagine. My self-consciousness controlled every aspect of my life. No going to the beach unless it was secluded. No going to the pool – EVER because oh my god, what if I ran into someone I knew? No going out to eat anywhere where I might see someone. No going to bars, clubs, parties, events…. nothing. Working, and being a hermit at home. That was the extent of my ambitiousness. I was just too hung up in what I looked like, and so ashamed of what I had let myself become. I can’t describe that kind of miserable. There just aren’t words for that.
I had always thought about weight loss surgery, but always put it out of my mind for a few reasons. One, I never thought I’d actually qualify. Two, I never thought I could afford it. Three, I’d never been successful at any attempts to lose weight long term, so why would this be any different. Four, how could I ever put my family through such a big adjustment. Five, things like that just don’t happen for people like me.
I started asking questions a few years ago, and kept myself up to date on new advances in weight loss surgery, and kept trying all kinds of fads in between. All of a sudden, one day, I hear that the hospital has a special deal for hospital employees. Sign a contract agreeing to stay for a few years, and they write off a chunk of the cost. It was interesting, but I still couldn’t fathom how I’d ever be able to come up with the funds, and I still wasn’t sure if I’d qualify. Then I started seeing people around the hospital undergo dramatic weigh loss changes. It was amazing to see the personality changes that these people were showing. Confidence and happiness. They were dressing more flattering to their shape instead of hiding it, and just seemed full of zest and life. I wanted for that to be me so very much. So, I got serious about it. I scheduled an appointment with the bariatric coordinator, and found that I actually did qualify. My BMI was high enough, but my comorbidities (other health issues caused by obesity) were factors as well. I was set that the VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy) was the option for me, but found out my insurance didn’t cover it. To make a long story shorter, we eventually ended up getting the money from my husbands retirement account, and all of my testing was done, and I was approved. I started my pre-op diet, and on January 6th, I went in to surgery, and came out a new person.
Now, 11 Weeks since surgery I am amazed at how my life has changed in such a short time. I have a new sense of self that I didn’t have before. I can get dressed in the first outfit I pick out in the morning. I can look in the mirror and actually SEE me. I feel lighter, I feel more confident. I find myself WANTING to go out and spend time with friends. I am not embarrassed at how much I eat, or what I eat anymore. I am not self-conscious standing in front of my husband. I can pick up my kid and play with him outside without getting out of breath. I can walk into the gym with my head held high because I no longer feel like an outcast that doesn’t belong. I can take a picture, and actually be pleased with the first shot, instead of taking 50 just to pick out one good one. I can relax knowing that I can now focus on whatever I want in life instead of obsessing about food. I can go shopping and buy regular sized clothes, and not be limited to the “womens sizes”. I can smile confidently at strangers, instead of keeping my gaze low because I want to disappear. I am almost to the point where I can get rid of my CPAP machine and mask. I have survived some tough moments in my life, and this surgery was one of them. Having said that, this was one struggle that was worth the fight because if my life has changed for the better in just 11 weeks, then I can’t wait to see what my future holds. Sorry for the long long post, but I just needed to get all that out. I feel so insightful tonight, and so inspired to keep on this road to success.
DOWN 45 POUNDS NOW!
TheAllNewMe 